5 Ways To Avoid the WW3 Draft

War is heck. We're here to help.

If you’ve been keeping an eye on the 24 hour news cycle, you’ve likely noticed that all the wars seem to be getting worse. Fighting in Ukraine continues to escalate, Gaza continues its rapid transformation into a coastal resort, and tensions in the Middle East between Israel and (*checks notes*) all of the other countries there are rapidly ratcheting up to “DEFCON HUH?”. North Korea is even dumping radioactive nuclear waste into rivers that flow south – in an attempt to either poison the South Koreans or gift them with superheroes.

The United States seems poised to push any or all of these conflicts towards World War III – something our President vowed we wouldn’t do, just before he decided to bomb the ever-lovin’ shit out of Iranian nuclear sites.

This has a lot of people understandably on edge. If another world war breaks out, what does that mean for the US of A? Will we even side with Western Europe? If we are involved, will there be a draft? If there is: what if I don’t want to go? Some might think the idea of swooping into Tehran on the Battle Bus for an IRL Battle Royale sounds pretty sigma, but I’m of the opinion that most of us would prefer to teabag Peter Griffin from the comfort of our own couches.

So how can conscientious objectors avoid getting conscripted into the largest military in the world? The answer can be found in America’s greatest soft power asset of all: our beloved films and television.

Flee the country via Letters of Transit, surreptitiously obtained from the owner of Rick’s Cafe Americain! Hide out in a vibrant subterranean world with a gang of playful, musically-inclined and colorful puppets, while exploring themes of friendship/cooperation, and overcoming cultural/inter-species differences! Tie some balloons to your house and drift away to South America’s legendary Paradise Falls!

With this in mind, we raided an Elder Millennial’s DVD shelf to put together the best ideas that are sure to keep you from getting drafted into the US military for World War III.

Hit play!

Do a Mac and Me

Let’s address the obvious first: bone spurs ain’t gonna cut it in 2025. In autumn of 1968, Donald Trump solicited the help of a friend of his father’s, Dr. Larry Braunstein, who practiced podiatry out of an unassuming store front in Jamaica, Queens. Braunstein diagnosed Donald with bone spurs in his heels, disqualifying him from service in the Vietnam War. But let’s face it: that excuse is 57 years old. You might as well say your dog ate your draft card, or tell Uncle Sam that “I ain’t got no quarrel with the VietCong.” That’s why I’m proposing something bigger: do a Mac and Me.

What does a 1988 McDonald’s commercial family sci-fi film have to do with avoiding a bullet to the brain in the streets of Kermanshah? Everything, you sweet, summer child. Here’s how it works.

First, you’ll need a wheelchair. You’re going to need to hunker down, take a deep breath and send this thing careening down a hill towards a cliff. The sense of freedom you’ll feel as you soar through the air towards the quarry below, free from the horror of war, will be so overwhelming, you won’t even realize you’re also feeling everything from the waist down for the last time.

Pretty nice!

The resulting permanent spinal injury will completely disqualify you from World War III service, leaving you free to spend your days trashing living rooms and chasing little creatures. It should be noted, however, that in the original cut of Mac and Me, the 12-year-old unlikeable protagonist Eric is fatally shot by police officers as a grocery store inexplicably explodes. Remember: you may not be fighting in the next World War, but dangers do still lie in the homeland.

A proper Mac and Me.

Do a M*A*S*H*.

M*A*S*H* aired on CBS from 1972 to 1983 and follows a team of doctors and support staff stationed at the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital during the Korean War. It features a colorful cast of characters, including Corporal Maxwell Klinger, who is assigned to the 4077 in the fourth episode, “Chief Surgeon Who?” Klinger is desperate to get a Section 8 psychiatric discharge, and to further this goal, he regularly wears dresses around the base. In the progressive world of the 1970s, Klinger’s scheme served as a punchline, and obviously never worked out for him.

But we’re in 2025 and it’s a brand new era. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth may be giving “I’ve never met a like I didn’t drink” vibes – but he doesn’t like a lot of things, and at the top of that list is the idea of patriotic transgender people volunteering their lives for God and country.

It may have been a laugh line for CBS 40 years ago, but if one thing is clear in today’s America, nothing is going to spare you from the 2026 draft like wearing clothing generally coded for the opposite gender. Do a M*A*S*H* and sashay away from World War III!

Do a Titanic

James Cameron’s 1997 epic Titanic was the highest grossing film of all time for thirteen years, and it is easy to see why. Cameron’s Titanic is set in 1912, and based on the true story of a big, beautiful boat full of big, beautiful people as they set sail from this shithole country to finer lands.

Along the way, the passengers wined, dined, danced, broke down the societal class-based boundaries of the time, and most importantly, fell in love. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Uhhhh, didn’t the Titanic strike a massive iceberg at 11:44 p.m., April 14, 1912 and didn’t almost everyone die?”

YEAH! In NINETEEN TWELVE! 113 years of American Industry later and you think we haven’t solved icebergs? Please! There’s basically one left, and it’s only really solid ice for like two months! In today’s globally-warmed waters, you can be king of the world, fuck in vintage cars and pose nude for a painting without ever having to worry about an iceberg spilling you into bone-chilling waters to be torn apart by sharks – OR being an involuntary soldier shredded by a roadside IED as you march towards 2027’s Battle of Madīnat ash Shamāl.

Though we do have a few words of caution on doing a Titanic: please try to avoid devolving into a Poop Cruise and maybe watch a copy of Captain Phillips before you set sail.

Do a Weekend at Bernies

Whoa! Slow down. No one is suggesting you DIE and let Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman parade you around like a marionette puppet. That’s insane. Just do an actual weekend at Bernie Lomax’s estate in the Hamptons. It seems lovely! Paparazzi photos over the years have shown that Lomax entertained all the power players: the Clintons, several flavors of Trumps, Elon, Bezos, Weinstein, Epstein, Rammstein. The list goes on!

Rubbing elbows with the powerful elite while on a weekend at Bernie’s is sure to provide a powerful shield – a Golden Dome, if you will – that will make sure you never end up liberating the streets of Petah Tikvah before someone can tweet “ceasefire!”.

Donald Trump, double fisting.

Do the episode of Quantum Leap Where Beckett Leaps Into a Man With Down Syndrome and Said The “R” Word

If none of the above have worked, we do have one last suggestion, but spoiler warning: this one is extreme. If all other methods of avoiding the draft have failed, you could do the Quantum Leap episode where Beckett leapt into the body of a man with Down Syndrome and said the “R” word.

Yikes! This one is spicy!

In the eighth episode of Quantum Leap’s second season, Dr. Sam Beckett, unstuck in spacetime, “leaps” into the body of Jimmy LaMotta, a young man with Down syndrome. Looking into the mirror and seeing his reflection, actor Scott Bakula delivers an EMMY Award-winning moment of poignant self reflection.

I’m just kidding. In a TV moment that has aged like a Bullwinkle t-shirt, Bakula utters an offensive word that would get him immediately cancelled today.

That language has no place around here!

But if all else fails and you have access to an experimental government project accelerator, Quantum Leaping into the body of a disabled person would qualify you for a 4-F disqualification. Oh boy!

At press time, it seems more and more likely that the United States will get involved in a bloody, violent conflict with any number of countries across the globe, likely triggering a third World War. But fear not: the zany secret to getting out of any hot mess can always be found in the television and films of a better, wiser generation. Hopefully if you follow our suggestions, your only call of duty in 2026 will be for Black Ops VIII.

Ryan Harris