EXCLUSIVE: DONALD TRUMP, XZIBIT TO RELEASE TRUMP-MOBILE
The leader of the free world and Wow Alvin himself included us in a group chat about Trump's upcoming business venture. We didn’t think it could be real. Then the blueprints started dropping.
Today at 11 a.m. eastern standard time, the world will know that Donald Trump has partnered with Alvin Nathaniel Joiner — better known as Xzibit, rap superstar and the former host of MTV’s Pimp My Ride — to launch a revolutionary new vehicle: the Trump-Mobile.
We, however, knew hours before cameras will start rolling in the Oval Office. The reason we knew this is that Donald Trump texted us the blueprints at 11:44 p.m last night. The plans, hastily scrawled on a partially stained McDonald’s bag, included precise details of the President’s surprising entry into the automotive industry. I know, right?
This will require some explaining.
On June 16th, shortly after President Trump’s birthday celebrations, we received a connection request on Signal from a user identified as “Lil’ Kim.” Obviously excited to talk with the “Crush On You” star, we enthusiastically said “yes, tonight.” The conversation below is unedited.
X to tha Z: What up, Donny T.?
DJT: I have the biggest, best, beautiful idea to take control of the failing US car market.
X to tha Z: U wanna put Trump in a trunk so you can MAGA while you swagga? Lemme cook.
DJT: Bingo. THANK YOU EGGS RIBLET! VERY COOL!!
X to tha Z: Yeah. Just do me a solid and don’t pardon Diddy.
Lil’ Kim: 정말 멋지네요!
Everything Is Fine*: … I don’t think we’re supposed to be here.
But here we were. We’ve got the plans, so let’s take a peak under the hood!
EXTERIOR:
The Trump-Mobile boasts an impressive outer shell, made entirely out of gold that we presume was not looted by the Nazis. Weighing in at a completely believable two hundred and forty three pounds and measuring six feet three inches long, this chassis was built for power: whether that’s for mowing down a crowd of BLM protestors or cutting to the front of the drive thru line.
Oh, you’re getting fries with that!
At the front of this beast-of-a-car are two headlights that shine pure sunlight and UV rays straight down the throat of pedestrians to defeat any and all strains of the Chinese virus the Libs refer to as COVID. Still worried? The windshield wipers spray bleach and Ivermectin. Talk about Kung Flu-rious!
INTERIOR:
We could gab all day about the outside but everyone knows you should never judge a book by its cover, and this speed machine has never read a single one. Inside, here is what you can expect in the base model.
Solid Gold Driver’s Toilet Seat: You know when you’re cruising well above above 55 like a coked out Sammy Hagar with a weird obsession with Louis XIV? Well now in the Trump-Mobile, your amphetamine addled struggle butt can just let it rip into a pristine 14 karat gold latrine mounted in the driver’s seat while you jam out to the Village People on a pair of Volksempfänger speakers. Young man, are you listening to me? I’d double fist pump to features like that all day.
Touch Screen Technology: Every new car has a big screen where you can touch maps and stuff, but not like the Trump-Mobile! This gorgeous specimen of American ingenuity comes standard with a replica of Hunter Biden’s laptop affixed to the dash, uncensored dick pics and all. And if you upgrade, you can read Hillary’s e-mails! I don’t see Tesla offering that!
Private Storage: Do you want to hide the Epstein Files, or maybe any weird photos of you with that guy from Miramax or that bald guy who used to be on — and let’s be real — only one funny sitcom, and now does a shitty podcast? These guys gave us the plans for (and you won’t believe it) the Trump brand glove box! Perfectly sized for all your incriminating evidence. You, too, could hide thirty four felonies with the Trump-Mobile glove box!
Luxury Amenities: If you’re riding in a Trump-Mobile, you know you’re cruising with top-of-the-line class and style. Your Trump-Mobile will come with a Diet Coke fountain that also shoots missiles (we assume Mentos powered), a Big Mac holder, a pill dispenser, an auto spray tanner and more. Cruising down the highway and see a protected federal land? A quick tap on the horn will let you “drill, baby drill” like God intended when He put all those fake fossils into the ground to test our faith. Amazing!
We were able to reach out to the President to obtain this exclusive comment:
Wow. Truly, Xzibit and Donald Trump have cooked up a modern automotive marvel that will leave Elon shaking in his Jordans. 100% no cap, the Trump-Mobile is poised to breathe new life into the United States’ dying auto industry like no one has never seen.
Look out, world! Daddy’s got a sweet new ride and is speeding towards a war we shouldn’t even be involved in. Beep beep, Ayatollah Khamenei!
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Where can I pre-order this bustling vehicle?