EXCLUSIVE: The Epstein Files Revealed
You're not gonna believe the fucked up shit we've got.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you are likely heated about the latest developments coming out of THE SWAMP, AKA Washington DC. Last week, United States Attorney General Pam Bondi and the Department of Justice dropped an astounding bombshell: their investigation into disgraced, dead financier and alleged child sex trafficker Jeffery Epstein concluded that there was no “client list” in the Epstein Files, nor was there any evidence that Epstein had used this information as blackmail in Washington. After months of dry rubbing America’s jeans with the promise of an explosive, blockbuster finish connecting Jeffrey Epstein to some of the most powerful people in the world, Bondi left the country with red-white-and-blue balls and no one is more pissed off about it than MAGA.
“No one believes there is not a client list,” Marjorie Taylor Greene posted on X the morning after the news broke.
“This is over the top sickening!” declared InfoWars host and conspiracy theorist Alex Jones, choking back tears. “All those videos are saying, ‘Yeah, she’s seen the videos, it’s all coming out.’ And then now it doesn’t exist? I mean, what?”
What, indeed!
But the alt-right aren’t the only ones questioning the DOJ’s conclusion. Last week, ranking member of the House judiciary committee, Jamie Rankin, along with 15 other Democrats sent a six-page letter to Bondi, accusing the Attorney General of withholding information from the Epstein files from the public to shield the President from the damning information contained within.
Good God. Is it that gross?
Thankfully, truthers, we at EIF* have obtained exclusive access to the Epstein Files. While we’re still verifying all the details, we felt it necessary to address the pressing issues as soon as possible.
First things first. Is President of the United States Donald J. Trump named in the Epstein client list? The surprising answer is no. To the relief of some and disappointment of even more, the President of the United States is not named anywhere in the Epstein files.
But who is in the little black book? We are bringing you exclusive access to some of the biggest names in disgraced Jeffery Epstein’s client list. Let’s take a look at these perverts.
Donald J. Trump
Founder of Donald Trump’s House of Wings
Hot wing fans in the tri-state area will shed extra tears today when they find out that Donald J. Trump, the beloved founder of Donald Trump’s House of Wings off Route 13, is one of the very first names on Jeffery Epstein’s client list. Self proclaimed chicken wing enthusiast Donald J. Trump rose to fame in 2004 after purchasing a dilapidated Meineke Muffler Shop in Englewood, New Jersey and converting it into the fast food empire the Garden State knows and loves today. Donald Trump’s House of Wings and its five signature heat flavors, free celery and moderately-priced bleu cheese quickly captured the hearts of Bergen County, ushering in a wave of celebrity endorsed development to Route 13, including Al Sharpton’s Casa de Sushi and Derek Jeter’s Taco Hole.
But a quick rise to fame often comes with a swift fall from grace. According to documents, the once citrine-suited chicken magnate’s quick franchise expansions across New Jersey and into New York attracted the attention of Jeffery Epstein, and it wasn’t long before the two were sharing private jets, yachts, and engaging in lurid sexual activity with teenage girls.
That is not the behavior we expect out of a chicken wing auteur, and frankly, we find it disgusting.
Donald J. Trump
2013 WWE Hall of Fame Award Winner
Call this a “Thesz press” wrestling fans, because you’re about to get a flying body scissor to the chest: 2013 WWE Hall of Fame Award Winner Donald J. Trump is in the Epstein files. The wrestling superstar is best known for playing heel to the biggest heel in the squared circle, owner Vince McMahon.
From Wrestlemania 23’s “Battle of the Billionaires” to the time the Hall of Famer bought WWE Monday Night Raw, made it commercial free and gave all ticket buyers refunds, forcing McMahon to buy it back for twice the price, The Donald delighted wrestling marks world wide. But, sadly, it was all kayfabe. Shaving the head of the husband to the current head of the Department of Education quickly led to doing hot rails off the buttocks of underage girls on an island owned by Jeffrey Epstein, and honestly, it makes me wish he went out like most wrestlers and just got addicted to opioids and did a murder-suicide. Spare us the drama, 2013 WWE Hall of Fame Award Winner Donald J. Trump!
Donald J. Trump
Domino’s Pizza Spokesperson
Those of us old enough to remember the 1980’s fondly look back at Donald J. Trump, spokesperson for Domino’s Pizza. He was rich! Cool! Suave! He made Mac Tonight look like a Greenwich Village twink. And when he wanted a hot slice of mediocre pepperoni pizza delivered straight to his door at the Plaza Hotel in 30 minutes or less, he knew who to call.
Unfortunately, the records we have obtained ALSO show that he knew who to call when he wanted to take a flight on the Lolita Express to have sexual encounters with young women on an island he couldn’t be extradited from. Yep. You guessed it: Jeffrey Epstein. Apparently our beloved pizza spokesperson didn’t understand that “worth the wait” applied to girls, too.
Sick.
Donald J. Trump
McDonald’s Employee of the Month, Feasterville, PA
Save the “ba-da-ba-ba-ba”s. We’re not loving this: the delightful senior citizen operating the deep fryer at Feasterville, Pennsylvania’s McDonald’s franchise, Donald J. Trump, has a super sized presence in Jeffrey Epstein’s client list and it’s fucking McTerrible. This guy heard “quarter pounder with cheese” and apparently thought that meant “age / action / general demeanor”. How disgusting do you need to be to make the Hamburglar look like a model citizen? Sorry, Feasterville, but this guy is cancelled.
Donald J. Trump
7th Grade Social Studies Teacher, Waltham, Massachusetts
Yeah, no one knows who the fuck this guy is. At his age, he should be an admin by now. Next.
Donald J. Trump
Sanitation Worker, Green Bay, WI
This last one stinks, everyone. Beloved sanitation worker from Green Bay, Wisconsin, Donald J. Trump, a vocal fan of Puerto Rico, apparently had his eyes on another island: Jeffrey Epstein’s. According to the files we have exclusively obtained, this Oscar LOVED trash. And by “trash” we mean the type of people like Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell who willfully trafficked underage girls for the delight of powerful members of society, like Green Bay, Wisconsin’s Donald J. Trump. Absolutely gross. Take this man to the dump ASAP.
As we continue to verify the information we have obtained, Everything is Fine* is committed to exposing the names of those involved in the Jeffery Epstein files. While we are relieved to hear that 47th President of the United States Donald J. Trump has not been explicitly mentioned in Epstein’s client list, it’s disgusting that these other five sickos continue to walk free.
LOCK THEM UP!
Ryan Harris
Senior Pop Culture Analyst
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The many terrible lives of DJT
This is such a confusing article. I’ve read it 4 times and I’m still trying to figure out the joke. The president isn’t in the files but his alter ego’s and high school teacher are? I get that writing is art, but with everything so gray right now why not just spell it out?